Penis and Vagina-- Pussy Pump

V: We tried out the penis pump last night.

P: How did it go?

V: It was bigger.. I mean better.. well, bigger and better.

P: I couldn't be happier for you.

V: Didn't you mention another pump?

P: You mean the pussy pump?

V: Right. Is there really such a thing?

P: There most certainly is.

V: Now, what exactly does it do?

P: It'll make your labia swell up.

V: It isn't going to make me look fat, is it?

P: Oh boy..

Rewarding Sex

(Joke)

A young girl woke up one night and went into her parents' bedroom to investigate the noises. She saw her parents having intercourse and asked what they were doing. The girl's mother said that when Daddy puts his penis in Mommy's vagina they get a baby. The girl was very happy to hear she'd be getting a sibling and went back to bed.

The following night the girl once again awoke and went to investigate the noises coming from her parents' bedroom. The girl was shocked to see her mother performing oral sex on her father and asked, "Mommy, what do you get when you put Daddy's penis in your mouth?" The mother replied, "Jewelry, my dear. Nice, expensive jewelry."

Penis and Vagina-- Penis Pump

P: Does size really matter?

V: Sure does. The larger the tool, the better it fits the job.

P: And does Ron have a large "tool"?

V: Let's just say he's very skilled handling it.

P: So it's not very big.

V: I didn't say that.

P: Exactly. Which means you wish he was bigger.

V: Maybe.

P: Have you ever tried a penis pump?

V: No. Does it actually work?

P: It won't make Ron's prick grow twice as big permanently.

V: What use is it then?

P: It might make him engorged for a while.

V: That doesn't sound all bad.

P: What about trying a pussy pump while you're at it.

V: You've got to be kidding. Is there really such a thing?

P: Maybe next time.

Penis and Vagina-- Haircut

V: I've got to head out to the beauty parlor. See you later P.

P: Beauty parlor? For what reason may I ask?

V: To get a haircut.

P: I thought you went completely natural in that area.

V: I did, but I can't deal with hairs sticking out of my bikini crotch any more.

P: A little trimming should do the trick.

V: No, it's more than that.

P: There's some other problem with your pubic hair?

V: Sort of.

P: Come on, you can tell me.

V: It has to do with Ron.

P: Oh, he's afraid of getting hairs in his mouth when he goes down on you?

V: No, even worse. Last time he ate me out he ended up with a pube stuck in his teeth!

P: Say no more. Stop by tomorrow so I can check out your new hairstyle.

Penis and Vagina-- Jewelry Shopping

V: Time for me to go shopping.

P: But we just went shopping yesterday.

V: I know.

P: And you already need more panties?

V: No silly, I'm going jewelry shopping.

P: I'd think you have enough rings for your labia by now.

V: I just got my hood pierced so I need something for it.

P: Zowwy. I'd suggest you get something special for your hood piercing.

V: No kidding knucklehead. I was thinking of a barbell with a gemstone.

P: What about a clit dangler?

V: Why would I wear a.. clit dangler thingy??

P: Well, they are very decorative and..

V: And??

P: And I heard they can cause you to orgasm while just walking.

V: I'm sold!

The Creature Within Her

WARNING: This story is rated XXX due to its violence and sexual content. Of course this entire blog has mature content of explicit sexual nature so get the fuck over it. The story really is scary though. I'd recommend covering your eyes. Oh, right, you wouldn't be able to read the story then. I must admit, I'm a little afraid to even start writing the story its so scary. Okay, get ready. Here it comes. I'm going to start now.

There was this young model named Jane. Well, she was actually in her mid thirties and she wasn't ever a model. In fact, she was quite ordinary looking, but you're welcome to imagine that she was a sexy, young model if that'll make the story any more engaging to you.

Jane was quite the overachiever. An undergraduate degree from Harvard followed by an MBA from Stanford catapulted Jane into the upper echelons of the business world. Head of Bear Sterns M&A devision (pre-crash, ahem) and residing in her penthouse in Trump Tower, one might think Jane had it all by the age of 35. One might be wrong.

Jane never had much success dating. Maybe she'd have gotten so far as first base if she'd considered removing the inch long hairs growing from her nose wart. Such was not the case though and Jane had never had a date last over 2 minutes. Unwilling to let life pass her by any longer, the middle-aged, homely virgin booked a vacation to the Bahamas trusting a fine Jamaican man could relieve her unrelenting yearning that could only be filled by what no woman possesses.

Rebuking conventional resorts such as Club Med or Hedonism, Jane soon arrived in a remote Jamaican village. Much to her dismay, the locals showed no sexual interest whatsoever in our comely businesswoman named Jane. Feeling no love, Jane wandered into the jungle and discovered a small secluded lagoon. So secluded that our 35 year old virgin's inhibitions evaporated, clothing vanished, and naked skin soaked up the afternoon sun. It could have been just like Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon or Bo Derek in 10 except that it was Jane who might be considered plain on a good day. Ordinary might indeed be a compliment in her case.

The penetrating heat lit a burning carnal lust in Jane as she lay in the shallow water. Eyes closed, Jane furiously rubbed her vagina and swollen clitoris driving her body to orgasm after earth shattering orgasm. Jane's exhausted frame floated limply, lifelessly, completely fatigued from her manual self pleasurement entirely unaware of her surroundings. No sooner did her eyes open than a tremendous grizzly bear pounced on her and mauled her head off. I'm sorry, a bear didn't rip her head off. There was a bear, but it bathed and pranced off without incidence. I was afraid you might be getting a little bored waiting for the scary part of the story. Don't worry though, the scary stuff is coming soon. I promise.

Jane returned to New York City sexually relieved but extremely raw in the genital area after a week of frequent visits to her Love Lagoon. Several years had passed and all seemed normal in Jane's life. Completely normal that is, other than her period. Recently she felt much more painful bloating and even could swear there was movement inside her abdomen like a baby pushing. Jane knew this could not be a fetus inside her. She was sadly still 100% virgin. How could she be carrying a baby when she never had intercourse? It was inconceivable that she could be pregnant. Inconceivable or not, Jane could no longer handle the pain that devastated her body more severely with the arrival of every successive monthly period.

So she waited desperately. Then at the peak of her period, when her menstrual flow was its heaviest and the pressure against her pelvis could push no stronger and that tormenting movement in her abdomen wriggled ceaselessly Jane arrived at her gynecologist office. Jane spread her legs open and put her feet in the cold, hard metal stirrups. The nurse applied a generous layer of lube on Jane's exposed vagina. The doctor slid the speculum all the way into Jane's vagina and slowly turning the instrument's single screw. Each turn of the screw opened the tongs spreading the vaginal canal open ever wider until the doctor could see all the way into the farthest depths of the vagina. Maybe I should stop now. I don't think I can take any more. What is the doctor going to find? Is it a baby? Will Jane be all right?

Without warning, the doctor forces tongs deep inside her vagina then grips the tongs tightly securing his target. The doctor pulls on the tongs with as if he's out at sea struggling to reel in a mighty game fish. His face a beet red, eyebrows furrowed, sweat dripping from his chin, the doctor gives a final heave and flies onto his back. A huge gush of blood squirts out of Jane's violated hole and splashes on the floor. The doctor lies in shock, splattered in blood, clenching the forceps for dear life. Jane instantly focuses on the object struggling in the forceps and feints as she realizes a foot long eel has been living inside her for over two years.

Pretty nasty, eh? Yeah, it was all blood from her menstrual flow, but it's still really gross and scary, right? Apparently Jane had pushed an eel larvae deep inside her vagina while pleasuring herself in the Jamaican lagoon years ago. The tiny eel flourished in the warm moist environment. The eel lay dormant most of each month until Jane's period when the eel gorged itself on her bloody waste. Pretty nasty story I'd say. Makes me squirm whenever I think of it. And I'm a guy.

Double Dildo Dilemma (now that's 3D for ya)

It has come to our attention that while the standard dildo is quite functional in stimulating the female vagina to high levels of arousal and often leading to orgasms given the correct conditions, the double dildo is frequently misunderstood and misused. Of course the standard dildo is very simple to operate. Lube is applied and then the device is rubbed over the clitoral area and stroked into the vagina to maximize the woman's pleasure.

There are many more variables involved with the double dildo making it exceptionally tricky to operate expertly. With multiple vaginae there will be variances in lubrication, vagina size, strength of contractions, depth of canal, angle of entry, etc. These differences will all affect the performance of the double dildo. Unfortunately, if these issues are not addressed properly, we may end up with the unacceptable result of the dildo being essentially locked in one woman's vagina while sliding freely in and out of her partner.

The core of the problem comes down to the difference between static and sliding friction. The "stuck" end of the dildo must overcome the higher static friction while the moving end easily glides given its lower sliding friction. And that's all there is to it, it is the simple laws of physics!

One may rectify the issue by having one partner firmly hold the dildo with their hand. Another option is to choose a rigid dildo as opposed to the flexible variety. According to a double blind study 99.98 percent of women preferred the rigid dildo over the flexible dong. Go figure.

This article is sponsored by the United States Department Investigating Lubricant Dynamics Oversight (USDILDO). "Where there's wetness near, we dare appear without fear."

Returning to Man's Origins

Isn't it ironic that a man's life begins when he exits the birth canal and then he spends his entire adult life trying to reenter it?

Everybody wants to find the most beautiful, perfect vagina, right? Right. I know I'm right. That's why porn is a multi billion dollar industry. Mankind is fascinated with the vagina. We want to see the nice juicy, fleshy, meaty, pink pussy in all its naked glory. So close that you could almost taste it or smell it. Our vision starts with the pubic hair. Here we may encounter the natural unshaven bush of pubic hair although this is becoming a rarer site these days. Usually we find the pubic hair trimmed back around the bikini line or entirely trimmed. Further grooming brings us to hair shaped into triangles, circles, hearts, and landing strips. Let us not forget the now popular completely shaved pussy begging the voyeur onward.

The journey has indeed just begun as our eyes are drawn down the angles of the Vee to the vagina. The outer vagina entrance is covered by the lovely labia which are much like curtains. The labia may be almost unnoticeable or can be large flaps of fleshy skin. Nestled at the top of the labia and hidden under a hood of skin lies the clit. The elusive clitoris with its shiny ball-like shape must be the most erotic vision one could ever pursue. Pulling back those luscious labia allows one to next feast on all the other seldom seen vaginal pleasures. Not far below the lovely clitty we have a small, succulent opening which is the urethra or better known as the peehole. Tasty and succulent as the pee hole may be, our eyes only need wander a touch further south to find the glorious vaginal opening. The pink muscled walls of the vagina glisten with sexual wetness inviting you inside. Was this the vagina you were searching for or does your search continue?

Good luck in your quest to find the perfect vagina.