Penis and Vagina-- Jewelry Shopping

V: Time for me to go shopping.

P: But we just went shopping yesterday.

V: I know.

P: And you already need more panties?

V: No silly, I'm going jewelry shopping.

P: I'd think you have enough rings for your labia by now.

V: I just got my hood pierced so I need something for it.

P: Zowwy. I'd suggest you get something special for your hood piercing.

V: No kidding knucklehead. I was thinking of a barbell with a gemstone.

P: What about a clit dangler?

V: Why would I wear a.. clit dangler thingy??

P: Well, they are very decorative and..

V: And??

P: And I heard they can cause you to orgasm while just walking.

V: I'm sold!

Unintentionally Funny Photos

Sometimes when I'm scouring the web I come across some gold nugget. A gold nugget is something so awesome it makes all that web surfing worthwhile for me. The real beauty though is that I can pass the gold nugget on to you absolutely free, no hassle, no effort on your part. I don't think you can ask for any better than that!

Today's gold nugget is a series of photos that are "unintentionally funny". These are hilarious pictures of products and company names that are often foreign, though sometimes American, and always come out entirely downright crude and offensive. It couldn't get much better than this. Every item is laugh out loud funny (that'd be LOL for those of you who only understand texting). They are pictures which is entirely cool since you get maximum enjoyment with the minimum of effort. Probably the only way it could be any better would be if there were some gratuitous explicit random nudity thrown in for good measure. Unfortunately there is not.

So, you're probably wondering by now where the damn link to these awesomely funny photos is. Well, if you're in such a rush then just skip to the end of this paragraph right now and click on the link. Apparently you're too important to have any of your valuable time wasted by this little introduction. You don't even understand that the excitement of drawn out, suspenseful anticipation often provides far greater entertainment than what was actually anticipated. Of course in this case I can promise, even 100% guarantee, that these photos will exceed all your wildest expectations. Without further ado, I present to you lovely adoring patient fans the scrumptiously scintillating link to -- Unintentionally Funny Photos.

Double Dildo Dilemma (now that's 3D for ya)

It has come to our attention that while the standard dildo is quite functional in stimulating the female vagina to high levels of arousal and often leading to orgasms given the correct conditions, the double dildo is frequently misunderstood and misused. Of course the standard dildo is very simple to operate. Lube is applied and then the device is rubbed over the clitoral area and stroked into the vagina to maximize the woman's pleasure.

There are many more variables involved with the double dildo making it exceptionally tricky to operate expertly. With multiple vaginae there will be variances in lubrication, vagina size, strength of contractions, depth of canal, angle of entry, etc. These differences will all affect the performance of the double dildo. Unfortunately, if these issues are not addressed properly, we may end up with the unacceptable result of the dildo being essentially locked in one woman's vagina while sliding freely in and out of her partner.

The core of the problem comes down to the difference between static and sliding friction. The "stuck" end of the dildo must overcome the higher static friction while the moving end easily glides given its lower sliding friction. And that's all there is to it, it is the simple laws of physics!

One may rectify the issue by having one partner firmly hold the dildo with their hand. Another option is to choose a rigid dildo as opposed to the flexible variety. According to a double blind study 99.98 percent of women preferred the rigid dildo over the flexible dong. Go figure.

This article is sponsored by the United States Department Investigating Lubricant Dynamics Oversight (USDILDO). "Where there's wetness near, we dare appear without fear."

Penis and Vagina-- Pantie Parade

V: I'm going shopping for some new clothes.

P: What type of clothes?

V: Panties. What else? You knucklehead.

P: Uh, I'm not busy. Maybe I'll tag along.

V: You wish! Actually, I do want something that my boyfriend Ron will like.

P: What better way to get a man's opinion?

V: Okay, you can come. Just no acting like a child please.

P: (I can't believe that worked. This is gonna be great!)

V: What do you think of this pantie P?

P: White, cotton, baggy. Fine for a grandma. Let your wild side loose. Go crazy!

V: All right. No inhibitions. Check this out.

P: Crotchless. Well, that's more revealing. Maybe too revealing.

V: What should I buy then?

P: Here the mesh shows you off just enough to whet a man's desires.

V: Any others?

P: When you're really hot for to get some, this g-string thong should do the trick.

V: Thanks for all your help. You can stop drooling now.

Beautiful Girl

Could you look any sexier girl? Wearing that hot outfit that reveals your delicious body so smartly. Your hair styled to die for and your bright, sparkling eyes gaze into my heart melting my soul. Your heavenly face made up just right steals my breath. Your graceful movements as you pose for me revealing tender curves flashing through dangling fabrics. Your round breasts and perky nipples play against the forgiving, sheer blouse. Those long slender legs dancing out from beneath your skirt. You lie back and a little bit of heaven is exposed for my hungry eyes to devour.

The Only Successful Pick-up Line

Traditionally, when you wanted to meet someone new for sex or maybe even just a little platonic friendship, you would head out to a bar, night club, disco, or such. You sit down and suck on some yummy alcoholic beverages to lubricate your courage as you scour the scene for attractive game. You spot someone and now comes the difficult if not impossible challenge of introducing yourself to them. What's your best pick-up line? "What's your sign?" "Don't I know you from somewhere?" "Do you come here often?" If you manage to actually produce any coherent communication without scaring off your potential companion, you just might get lucky enough to chat for a while or even share a dance. The chances you'll be doing the horizontal mambo-- virtually nil.

Fast forward to modern-day computer-enhanced relationship-building (better known as online dating). Now you can go online and search through an infinite source of adults who are just as interested in getting together as you-- people looking for platonic friendship, sexy email/texting/sexting, phone sex, and sexual encounters. People with profiles detailing all their physical attributes along with their inner fantasies. Naked pictures that show off people's unique personalities. Meet swingers, nudists, exhibitionists, submissives, dominatrixes.. A community with forums and chat rooms to discuss everything of adult interest (sexual and not). Party boards to schedule get-togethers. Daily sex cam shows for all to enjoy. Porn videos and picture galleries to be viewed any time. Porn star interviews for your perusal. Now you have no more need for lines like "Are you busy tonight at say 3AM?"

I Have a Dream

I have a dream of a place where there are only young, beautiful, sexy women. There are no men at all, just females exposing their lovely naked bodies. No penises, just bouncing breasts with puffy nipples everywhere.

I have a dream that all vaginae are clean shaved. Pubic hairs have been completely removed revealing clean, succulent pussies for viewing.

I have a dream of these nude vixens playing with themselves and each other sexually for all to see. Girls slipping their fingers and toys in and out of their juicy pussies until they shudder in mind blowing orgasms. Girls licking and playing with each others pink twats.

Penis and Vagina--Lip Augmentation Surgery

V: Should I get an injection or implant.

P: What are you talking about?

V: I'm going to have lip augmentation surgery?

P: Why?

V: Because fuller lips are more attractive.

P: But you already have full lips.

V: Maybe I should get a labiaplasty then.

P: Now you want to reduce your labia?

V: Designer vaginae are very popular.

P: Trust me, your labia are perfect.

V: I guess I'll just get a boob job.

P: Egad!

Returning to Man's Origins

Isn't it ironic that a man's life begins when he exits the birth canal and then he spends his entire adult life trying to reenter it?

Everybody wants to find the most beautiful, perfect vagina, right? Right. I know I'm right. That's why porn is a multi billion dollar industry. Mankind is fascinated with the vagina. We want to see the nice juicy, fleshy, meaty, pink pussy in all its naked glory. So close that you could almost taste it or smell it. Our vision starts with the pubic hair. Here we may encounter the natural unshaven bush of pubic hair although this is becoming a rarer site these days. Usually we find the pubic hair trimmed back around the bikini line or entirely trimmed. Further grooming brings us to hair shaped into triangles, circles, hearts, and landing strips. Let us not forget the now popular completely shaved pussy begging the voyeur onward.

The journey has indeed just begun as our eyes are drawn down the angles of the Vee to the vagina. The outer vagina entrance is covered by the lovely labia which are much like curtains. The labia may be almost unnoticeable or can be large flaps of fleshy skin. Nestled at the top of the labia and hidden under a hood of skin lies the clit. The elusive clitoris with its shiny ball-like shape must be the most erotic vision one could ever pursue. Pulling back those luscious labia allows one to next feast on all the other seldom seen vaginal pleasures. Not far below the lovely clitty we have a small, succulent opening which is the urethra or better known as the peehole. Tasty and succulent as the pee hole may be, our eyes only need wander a touch further south to find the glorious vaginal opening. The pink muscled walls of the vagina glisten with sexual wetness inviting you inside. Was this the vagina you were searching for or does your search continue?

Good luck in your quest to find the perfect vagina.