Perfect Companion

(Joke)

A middle-aged woman decided it was time to find a new companion so she put an ad in the dating classifieds. The ad read, "Woman searching for a man who won't abuse me, won't run away on me, and is great in bed."

The following day the woman hears the doorbell and goes to see who it is. She opens the door only to be greeted by a man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. In disbelief, she asks if he could possibly be here in response to her ad. When he says he is, the woman asks why he thought he was right for her.

The disabled man explained, "I have no arms, so I can not beat you." The woman agreed. He continued, "I have no legs, so I can not run away on you." The woman nodded, "True, but how in the world do you expect me to believe you are great in bed?" The response, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Airplane

(Movie Recommendation)

Yes, you read that correctly. I changed the topic from "Movie Review" to "Movie Recommendation" because I write this blog and it's going to be right darn accurate sometimes. I said in my previous post that I'm not even going to attempt to write a real review so there you have it-- Movie Recommendation!

Today I recommend to my loyal readers the classic spoof slapstick comedy Airplane from 1980. I love Leslie Nielson and then they throw in Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Peter Graves among others to make up a super funny cast. A spoof on the 1970's Airport disaster movies, Airplane uses every comedic trick in the book to great effect. Do yourself a favor and just watch this movie over and over and over because there are so many jokes and gags you'll notice new ones every time you watch it. 'Nuff said. Get the popcorn and sit back for some laughs.

Breasts Smileys

People have developed text smileys for just about every emotion. It was only a matter of time before smileys would be developed for different types of breasts!

. . Itty bitty titties

()() Little breasts

(.)(.) Nice breasts

(o)(o) Perfect breasts

(D)(D) Bullets

(O)(O) Handful breasts

(~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts

\o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts

[o][o] Breasts during a mammogram

* ^ * Flat chest

(+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) High nipple breasts

(@)(@) Big nipple breasts

oo A cups

{O}{O} D cups

(^)(^) Cold breasts

(<)(<) Perky breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) Pierced breasts

(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts

(-)(-) Flat against the shower door breasts

lollol Android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(ooo) Total Recall breasts (she had three!)

(O)A(O) Tit fucked breasts

I hope your texting will be more colorful now ;-)

Penis and Vagina-- Pussy Pump

V: We tried out the penis pump last night.

P: How did it go?

V: It was bigger.. I mean better.. well, bigger and better.

P: I couldn't be happier for you.

V: Didn't you mention another pump?

P: You mean the pussy pump?

V: Right. Is there really such a thing?

P: There most certainly is.

V: Now, what exactly does it do?

P: It'll make your labia swell up.

V: It isn't going to make me look fat, is it?

P: Oh boy..

The Elevator

(Erotic Story by Black Walnut)

She is sitting in traffic trying to get downtown to the Clark building to the jewelers looking for a special ring they may have. As she sits in traffic, she thinks of how quiet and unadventurous her life has been lately. She always loved surprises from her men but has had none lately.

The only good thing about the traffic is that it lets her nyloned legs rub together. She loves nylons, the silkiness of them. She is wearing a loose skirt and free flowing blouse loose to the skin with her thigh high black hose. She gently runs her fingers over her thigh beginning to enjoy the touch. Just her luck, traffic begins to move allowing her to get to the parking garage.

As she enters the Clark building she remembers the old elevator and how very, very slow it is and if she did not need to go to the 16th floor she would walk it. As normal she waits forever for it to come down. There is no one in the lobby except one man buying a paper. She hears the elevator coming down so very slowly and resting on the first floor. She figures they keep it to deter theft of the jewelry here because they could never get away. She watches as the door slowly opens revealing the old gate she really hated trying to close.

As she stepped in she hears a voice say I will get that and she sees an arm reach around her and close it with one quick pull. She reaches for the button for 16 and says where you going. He says 15 thank you. The elevator is very small, only able to hold about six people. He sees her standing in front of him and begins to wonder what would happen if he reached out and put his arms around her. Would she scream or hit him or what. He thinks oh hell she hasn’t seen me or knows me. He takes one short step forward wrapping an arm around her waist feeling her at first stiffen but as his hand slides across her stomach slowly he feels her relax.

This encourages him to slide the other arm around her pulling her gently to him as he blows gently on her neck and the elevator slows even more. He feels her long hair against him as his hands slide gently down her legs to the bottom of her skirt letting one hand return to her stomach sliding slowly down to the bottom of her loose blouse. His hands at the same time going under her blouse and under her skirt finding her silky hose. Stroking gently, noticing they are only thigh high with silky panties above them.

She leans back into him thinking how insane this was. He was a total stranger and he was holding her, feeling her skin, and she was not resisting him at all. His touch was so very sensual, so seductive as if he was a lover she had known a long time. His touch in all the right places as if he had been there before. She feels his kisses beginning to
trail down her back making her shiver. Her head rocks back in a soft moan from his fingers on her skin.

She looks to see they are now on the third floor. His cock so hard at this time he feels he will explode with desire for this woman in his arms totally surrendering to him. His other hand now traveling back to the loose skirt. Both his hands running up and down her legs feeling her quiver against him knowing she is wet as his finger travels to her pussy sliding in under the panties finding her wetter then he ever expected. Her moans louder, he knows he can not wait much longer being they are now on the fourth floor.

She feels herself spreading her legs to allow him access. She can feel his hard cock pressed against the cheek of her ass. She slowly reaches back between them to feel it as her hips begin to rotate on his fingers. She feels his other hand join hers sliding it to his zipper. As she slowly unzips him and reaches to pull him out feeling those drops of precum she knew would be there. She looked up to see they now were on the fifth floor.

His hands both between her legs now playing teasing wanting to enter her. Pushing against her ass feeling her push back and moaning softly. Her hands massaging his hips. His lips returning to her neck to kiss it softly, her head turning slightly to allow him access. He looks up to see they are now on the sixth floor. He hears the creaky elevator gears slowing slightly. Barely able to move from the thrill of her he looks to see they are now on the sixth floor. He can last no longer and he slowly lifts her skirt to feel his cock against the nylon of her panties, the sensation driving him insane. Her hips moving against him her hands pulling him closer to her. His hands now finding her hips and beginning to massage them gently letting his cock slide between her legs rubbing against the satin crotch. A fleeting thought crosses his mind as he wonders what color they were. But as the thought came it left as her hand reached for his neck pulling his kisses closer to her neck as they reached the seventh floor and the elevator stopped and the door opened.

Neither hands moved, his hands hidden by her cloths, his cock slid between her legs as the man entered and closed the door. They held their breath as they waited to see what button he would push and relieved to see him push the tenth floor. He had his back to them as he began to massage the cheeks of her ass knowing she wanted to moan and was not able to. The elevator moving slowly. She feels his hand going to the crotch of her panties and begin to move it aside. She is unable to stop him without the man in front of them knowing what was going on, not that she wanted him to stop. His hand rubbing her wet pussy slowly so as not to bring attention to them. Biting her lip softly to hold back the moan trying to escape her lips. She looks up to see them approaching the eight floor wishing it would speed up. Her pussy dripping wet on his hand. As they pass the eighth floor he slowly pulls her panties to the side letting his wet cock slide thru her pubic hair to the entrance of her wet pussy. He feels her standing very still as they get to the Ninth floor and he slowly slides in her with one push, her hands digging in his thighs, her nails almost bringing pain. They stand still for a moment feeling the final inch entering her. As the elevator stops on the tenth floor and the man opens the gate to step out he looks back with a smile on his face and a bulge very noticeable in his pants. As the elevator closes he hears the loud moan from her escaping to fill the elevator.

His strokes now becoming long and steady, his hands holding her hips as she leans slightly forward to allow him greater access. Her hips moving to meet his, as wanting as he is, as they pass the eleventh floor. Their moans drowning out the sound of the creaky elevator gears. Feeling his shirt beginning to stick to him as he lifts her skirt a little higher the strokes getting faster and harder. The twelfth floor approaching as she feels herself begin to tighten around his hard swollen cock. Her hips moving to meet each thrust wanting to feel that last burst as they both explode in total ecstasy with one last thrust as the elevator slowly passes the fourteenth floor. He leans forward to kiss her neck and removes himself from her. He replaces her panties and adjusts her cloths. She then hears his zipper go up as the elevator stops on the fifteenth floor. He slips around her leaving without each other ever looking back to see the other.

She finishes adjusting her cloths as the old elevator slowly proceeds to the sixteenth floor. She put her fingers to her lips and gives them a kiss, transferring it to the wall of the old elevator telling it to never speed up.

Gays in the Air Force

(Word Play)

Maybe it's just me but I don't think there's any need for the ol' "Don't ask, don't tell" policy in the Air Force. It just seems blatantly obvious what a man's sexual orientation is when his goal in life is to spend as much time as he can in a cockpit. Pretty soon a great deal of aircraft will be unmanned in which case the pilots will spend all day together in a control center gripping their joysticks.

Rewarding Sex

(Joke)

A young girl woke up one night and went into her parents' bedroom to investigate the noises. She saw her parents having intercourse and asked what they were doing. The girl's mother said that when Daddy puts his penis in Mommy's vagina they get a baby. The girl was very happy to hear she'd be getting a sibling and went back to bed.

The following night the girl once again awoke and went to investigate the noises coming from her parents' bedroom. The girl was shocked to see her mother performing oral sex on her father and asked, "Mommy, what do you get when you put Daddy's penis in your mouth?" The mother replied, "Jewelry, my dear. Nice, expensive jewelry."

The Princess Bride

Today I bring you The Princess Bride, a classic romantic adventure comedy released in 1987 that is kid-friendly.  I'm not exactly proud of the fact that I'm recommending a PG film (a nice R rating sounds much more adult), but the fact is that this movie is so superb that you just have to see it-- and if you happen to have a child, well they can watch it with you!

The story tells of our hero's action-packed journey to see if he can overcome all obstacles to save his true love. What obstacles you ask. Well, there's a sword fighter, Andre the Giant, mind games against a genius, the Fire Swamp, and more. I know the "and more" usually means there isn't anything more, but this movie really does have a lot more. The chances that you'll ever see a better film are pretty much inconceivable.

By the way, if you're thinking to yourself how terrible I am at reviewing movies, I'll have to agree! That's why I'm really just recommending movies. If you want to read a real review you really out to click on the link at the top of the article. Enough farting around, go have a fucking fun time watching the god damn movie.

KY Yours and Mine Jelly

We here at USDILDO were recently tasked with assessing the effectiveness of a new product named KY Yours and Mine Jelly. Of course we scientists are well aware of the exceptional lubricating properties of KY Jelly. Not only did we perform extensive trials with the jelly, but our dedicated scientists continue to test it whenever possible.

Given the efficacy of the original KY Jelly, USDILDO were highly skeptical of the need for the "Yours and Mine" update. To be quite honest, we felt this was most likely no more than some fancy marketing ploy. Being scientists, we knew we had to put our preconceptions aside and perform thorough, unbiased testing on these new jellies.

Not surprisingly, initial tests showed that the new jellies were similar in lubricating functionality to the original jelly. Now the trick would be to determine if the his/her jellies had any enhanced properties when applied to the male/female. Unfortunately, even after sponsoring the testing with female partners for several months, the majority of scientist felt they'd like to continue with extended field testing. Having exhausted our limited budget to hire escorts, USDILDO decided to make the unprecedented move of testing the jellies on inanimate male and female objects.

We acquired boatloads of the jellies and applied generous amounts of the male lube onto our next rocket due to be launched. To our amazement, readings proved that the rocket launched with substantially lower fuel consumption. Additionally, after the female lube had been applied to the docking station, astronauts reported a much smoother, more satisfying docking experience. Future testing needs to be done to see if cars covered in "his" lube will get better gas mileage and if coating garages in "her" jelly might not afford a more fluid, gratifying entry.

This article is sponsored by the United States Department Investigating Lubricant Dynamics Oversight (USDILDO). "Where there's wetness near, we dare appear without fear."

Penis and Vagina-- Penis Pump

P: Does size really matter?

V: Sure does. The larger the tool, the better it fits the job.

P: And does Ron have a large "tool"?

V: Let's just say he's very skilled handling it.

P: So it's not very big.

V: I didn't say that.

P: Exactly. Which means you wish he was bigger.

V: Maybe.

P: Have you ever tried a penis pump?

V: No. Does it actually work?

P: It won't make Ron's prick grow twice as big permanently.

V: What use is it then?

P: It might make him engorged for a while.

V: That doesn't sound all bad.

P: What about trying a pussy pump while you're at it.

V: You've got to be kidding. Is there really such a thing?

P: Maybe next time.

Craigs List

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The Way I See It

I've been out scouring the web and I've dug up another site that I'm sure everyone will find entertaining. The site I found takes erotic pictures of scantily clad lovely women and adds little humorous comments to them. Very clever idea indeed. We get fun, simple humor combined with the always enjoyable pastime of viewing sexy ladies.

Just a little warning: don't click on the link I'm about to give you if you are at work or anywhere where it might be inappropriate to have pictures of partially clothed women on your computer screen. Boy do I feel sorry for those of you at work who can not enjoy all these lovely pictures. Then again, at least you are able to enjoy my great sense of humor and witty repartee. Without further ado, I bring to you The Way I See It.

The Cat and the Rooster

Time for a little humor in the form of a joke I remember hearing a log time ago..

This rooster was hanging out by a pool when he saw a stupid, arrogant cat headed his way. Looking for some fun, the rooster started muttering how no cat had ever out jumped him just loud enough so the passing cat could hear him. The cat stopped, took one look at the rooster's scrawny legs, and challenged him to a jumping contest on the spot. The rooster agreed and both animals dashed to the pool's edge. The cat sprang gracefully through the air and splashed nearly half way across the pool. In the meantime the rooster's puny legs propelled him no more than a foot into the pool. Before hitting the water the rooster hastily flapped and flew over to the other side of the pool without getting a drop of water on him. The cat yelled at the rooster for cheating, but the rooster couldn't stop laughing at his soaked competitor.

The moral of the story: Where there's a wet pussy you'll find a happy cock.

Penis and Vagina-- New Haircut

P: So, did you get your new haircut?

V: Sure did. Bet you can't guess what style I got!

P: If I guess the style will you let me see it?

V: Sure, that sounds fair to me.

P: I figure you went clean shaved to eliminate the potential for Ron getting any more pubes stuck in his teeth.

V: Sound reasoning. Good guess. But wrongo. I'm feeling friendly, so I'll give you one more guess.

P: It's gotta be a landing strip then. They are so classy and sexy.

V: Sorry, wrong again.

P: So, what haircut did you get then?

V: I got a Vee.

P: That was so unfair. That wasn't even on their list of styles.

V: I did give you a second guess.

P: I wouldn't guess that in a million tries. It's like trying to guess Rumpelstiltskin.

V: All right, stop complaining. You can have a look.

P: Awesome. It's just like the Star Trek insignia.

V: You're such a dork.

Dirty, Dirty Doggies

Is it just me or are dogs dirty animals? First of all you've got the poop thing. If you're lucky enough that your dog doesn't go to the bathroom inside your house you still have to deal with the unenviable task of picking up their poop every time you walk them. We've all seen how dogs introduce themselves to each other. They walk right past each others' faces and start sniffing their butts. Of course the dog sniffs the ground intently the entire walk trying to locate random poops. I've seen a lot of dogs that just love to roll in poop and probably most disgusting are the dogs (you know they're out there) that like to eat poop. If the poop thing isn't enough, then there's the humping thing. A dog in heat will hump just about anything it can get its paws around. Watch out not to be in the wrong place at the wrong time or you're likely to find a dog humping your leg. Now that's gross.

Even the names of different dog breeds are dirty. What's up with the cocker spaniel for instance? How does this breed procreate if they all have cocks? Then there's the shih tzu. I don't care how cute this hairy little mutt is, I'm just not going to let a shih tzu anywhere near my new carpet. And when you mix a cocker spaniel with a poodle, what do you get? You guessed it, a cockapoo. Any animal with a name like cockapoo just can't be a good thing.

Perhaps I'll just get a peacock for my next pet. The name peacock may conjure up the awful image of a cock peeing, but the bird's beautiful plumage will magnificently replace that vision.

Ruthless People

I'm glad you are reading this Adult Musings blog and I am going to make damn sure that all you readers of this blog are up to date on all things relevant to the knowledgeable adult. I'll tell you about each of my favorite movies and you can tell me what your favorites of all time are.

I'm proud to start by telling you about one of the funniest movies of all time-- Ruthless People.

Ruthless People is a comedy (duh) that was released in 1986 starring Danny DeVito and Bette Midler. Basically, you've got this scumbag businessman who got rich by stealing someone's clothing designs. He, DeVito, decides to kill his wife, Midler, so he can marry his hot redhead mistress who just so happens to have a lover on the side also. Just when DeVito is about to murder his wife, the couple who actually designed the clothes kidnap Midler and hold her for ransom. It is hilarious watching this friendly couple try to act ruthless in order to get their ransom money. Every character has their own hidden agenda and their crazy interactions come together to produce one of the best comedies ever. Go watch this movie now. It's okay if you've already seen it, you're welcome to view it again.

She Loved to Have People Watch

(Erotic Story by Black Walnut)

I’d instructed her earlier not to wear underwear beneath her dress that day. We are sitting on my patio smoking and sipping cold scotch. “Pull your dress up, spread your legs, and play with your pussy for me.” I live in an urban neighborhood, and although my back deck is semi-secluded, the neighbors might see us out there, dimly, shadowy, if they happen to look. As I watch her exposing herself like this, I feel myself growing harder, and so I loosen my belt, undo my pants, and begin idly to stroke myself. After several moments, the thrill of masturbating for each other like this out of doors, semi-publicly, is beginning to overwhelm whatever distress she may have felt.

When I see her getting close to orgasm, I tell her “stop, go in the house, and bring me your dildo.” When she returns, I say “lie back against the bench and fuck yourself with it, while the neighbors and I watch.” As she does so, I continue to stroke myself idly—leaning back on the bench next to her, sipping my scotch and watching her diddle her sloppy cunt with that rubber dong. Knowing she wants me to fuck her instead, but showing no inclination to do so, only seems to fuel her own lust. It is as if she has set her mind to do this for me so I will let her have my cock. Instead, I tell her “make yourself cum, get yourself off, since I know that’s all you really care about.” I call her my selfish little slut, my lovely, dear selfish little slut…and she goes off, bucking and grinding against the rubber cock, her voice crying out a little more loudly than she’d intended, but she is too far gone to worry about the neighbors now.

Her performance has succeeded, though, in bringing me close, and as she lays there recovering, I stand up and pull my cock out, letting my pants drop around my thighs. I tell her “pull the top of your dress down and sit up because I want to cum on your tits”, and as she obeys, I soon explode, hosing her bosoms and the deck down with half-a-dozen healthy spurts of my seed.

Penis and Vagina-- Haircut

V: I've got to head out to the beauty parlor. See you later P.

P: Beauty parlor? For what reason may I ask?

V: To get a haircut.

P: I thought you went completely natural in that area.

V: I did, but I can't deal with hairs sticking out of my bikini crotch any more.

P: A little trimming should do the trick.

V: No, it's more than that.

P: There's some other problem with your pubic hair?

V: Sort of.

P: Come on, you can tell me.

V: It has to do with Ron.

P: Oh, he's afraid of getting hairs in his mouth when he goes down on you?

V: No, even worse. Last time he ate me out he ended up with a pube stuck in his teeth!

P: Say no more. Stop by tomorrow so I can check out your new hairstyle.

Marijuana is Bad Shit

Do people actually have to be told that smoking is bad for them? It seems pretty self evident that lighting something on fire and intentionally inhaling the smoke is going to be dangerous. I don't think you need to be a brain surgeon to realize that passing smoke through your longs on a regular basis is an unhealthy practice.

Of course many people aren't so stupid as to waste their time smoking tobacco when they can light up a marijuana filled doobie and get a nice high along with their lung cancer. I think it's funny how many names there are for marijuana. We have pot, hemp, hash, hashish, grass, weed, ganja, bud, joint, roach, reefer, herb, maryjane, dope, 420 and skunk to name a few. What really gets me though is that maybe the most popular name for marijuana is shit. Yes, people call it shit, roll it into a joint, light it up, put it in their mouths and smoke it. Voluntarily none the less. "Hey Mack, how's about we light up this here roach and smoke some shit?" Right on. You might as well kill off those last few brain cells in your puny head.

And what about the language people use to describe the quality of marijuana? Sure, there's "good" weed which is okay I suppose. Then there's "high quality" weed for the discerning pot smokers out there. The next step up would have to be "bad". Yes, you got me. "Bad" is good to the druggie. If you can score some really bad weed you can expect to pay a little extra. Probably the best praise you could give after a toke would be, "Now that has to be the worst shit I ever smoked!"

Penis and Vagina-- Jewelry Shopping

V: Time for me to go shopping.

P: But we just went shopping yesterday.

V: I know.

P: And you already need more panties?

V: No silly, I'm going jewelry shopping.

P: I'd think you have enough rings for your labia by now.

V: I just got my hood pierced so I need something for it.

P: Zowwy. I'd suggest you get something special for your hood piercing.

V: No kidding knucklehead. I was thinking of a barbell with a gemstone.

P: What about a clit dangler?

V: Why would I wear a.. clit dangler thingy??

P: Well, they are very decorative and..

V: And??

P: And I heard they can cause you to orgasm while just walking.

V: I'm sold!

Unintentionally Funny Photos

Sometimes when I'm scouring the web I come across some gold nugget. A gold nugget is something so awesome it makes all that web surfing worthwhile for me. The real beauty though is that I can pass the gold nugget on to you absolutely free, no hassle, no effort on your part. I don't think you can ask for any better than that!

Today's gold nugget is a series of photos that are "unintentionally funny". These are hilarious pictures of products and company names that are often foreign, though sometimes American, and always come out entirely downright crude and offensive. It couldn't get much better than this. Every item is laugh out loud funny (that'd be LOL for those of you who only understand texting). They are pictures which is entirely cool since you get maximum enjoyment with the minimum of effort. Probably the only way it could be any better would be if there were some gratuitous explicit random nudity thrown in for good measure. Unfortunately there is not.

So, you're probably wondering by now where the damn link to these awesomely funny photos is. Well, if you're in such a rush then just skip to the end of this paragraph right now and click on the link. Apparently you're too important to have any of your valuable time wasted by this little introduction. You don't even understand that the excitement of drawn out, suspenseful anticipation often provides far greater entertainment than what was actually anticipated. Of course in this case I can promise, even 100% guarantee, that these photos will exceed all your wildest expectations. Without further ado, I present to you lovely adoring patient fans the scrumptiously scintillating link to -- Unintentionally Funny Photos.

The Creature Within Her

WARNING: This story is rated XXX due to its violence and sexual content. Of course this entire blog has mature content of explicit sexual nature so get the fuck over it. The story really is scary though. I'd recommend covering your eyes. Oh, right, you wouldn't be able to read the story then. I must admit, I'm a little afraid to even start writing the story its so scary. Okay, get ready. Here it comes. I'm going to start now.

There was this young model named Jane. Well, she was actually in her mid thirties and she wasn't ever a model. In fact, she was quite ordinary looking, but you're welcome to imagine that she was a sexy, young model if that'll make the story any more engaging to you.

Jane was quite the overachiever. An undergraduate degree from Harvard followed by an MBA from Stanford catapulted Jane into the upper echelons of the business world. Head of Bear Sterns M&A devision (pre-crash, ahem) and residing in her penthouse in Trump Tower, one might think Jane had it all by the age of 35. One might be wrong.

Jane never had much success dating. Maybe she'd have gotten so far as first base if she'd considered removing the inch long hairs growing from her nose wart. Such was not the case though and Jane had never had a date last over 2 minutes. Unwilling to let life pass her by any longer, the middle-aged, homely virgin booked a vacation to the Bahamas trusting a fine Jamaican man could relieve her unrelenting yearning that could only be filled by what no woman possesses.

Rebuking conventional resorts such as Club Med or Hedonism, Jane soon arrived in a remote Jamaican village. Much to her dismay, the locals showed no sexual interest whatsoever in our comely businesswoman named Jane. Feeling no love, Jane wandered into the jungle and discovered a small secluded lagoon. So secluded that our 35 year old virgin's inhibitions evaporated, clothing vanished, and naked skin soaked up the afternoon sun. It could have been just like Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon or Bo Derek in 10 except that it was Jane who might be considered plain on a good day. Ordinary might indeed be a compliment in her case.

The penetrating heat lit a burning carnal lust in Jane as she lay in the shallow water. Eyes closed, Jane furiously rubbed her vagina and swollen clitoris driving her body to orgasm after earth shattering orgasm. Jane's exhausted frame floated limply, lifelessly, completely fatigued from her manual self pleasurement entirely unaware of her surroundings. No sooner did her eyes open than a tremendous grizzly bear pounced on her and mauled her head off. I'm sorry, a bear didn't rip her head off. There was a bear, but it bathed and pranced off without incidence. I was afraid you might be getting a little bored waiting for the scary part of the story. Don't worry though, the scary stuff is coming soon. I promise.

Jane returned to New York City sexually relieved but extremely raw in the genital area after a week of frequent visits to her Love Lagoon. Several years had passed and all seemed normal in Jane's life. Completely normal that is, other than her period. Recently she felt much more painful bloating and even could swear there was movement inside her abdomen like a baby pushing. Jane knew this could not be a fetus inside her. She was sadly still 100% virgin. How could she be carrying a baby when she never had intercourse? It was inconceivable that she could be pregnant. Inconceivable or not, Jane could no longer handle the pain that devastated her body more severely with the arrival of every successive monthly period.

So she waited desperately. Then at the peak of her period, when her menstrual flow was its heaviest and the pressure against her pelvis could push no stronger and that tormenting movement in her abdomen wriggled ceaselessly Jane arrived at her gynecologist office. Jane spread her legs open and put her feet in the cold, hard metal stirrups. The nurse applied a generous layer of lube on Jane's exposed vagina. The doctor slid the speculum all the way into Jane's vagina and slowly turning the instrument's single screw. Each turn of the screw opened the tongs spreading the vaginal canal open ever wider until the doctor could see all the way into the farthest depths of the vagina. Maybe I should stop now. I don't think I can take any more. What is the doctor going to find? Is it a baby? Will Jane be all right?

Without warning, the doctor forces tongs deep inside her vagina then grips the tongs tightly securing his target. The doctor pulls on the tongs with as if he's out at sea struggling to reel in a mighty game fish. His face a beet red, eyebrows furrowed, sweat dripping from his chin, the doctor gives a final heave and flies onto his back. A huge gush of blood squirts out of Jane's violated hole and splashes on the floor. The doctor lies in shock, splattered in blood, clenching the forceps for dear life. Jane instantly focuses on the object struggling in the forceps and feints as she realizes a foot long eel has been living inside her for over two years.

Pretty nasty, eh? Yeah, it was all blood from her menstrual flow, but it's still really gross and scary, right? Apparently Jane had pushed an eel larvae deep inside her vagina while pleasuring herself in the Jamaican lagoon years ago. The tiny eel flourished in the warm moist environment. The eel lay dormant most of each month until Jane's period when the eel gorged itself on her bloody waste. Pretty nasty story I'd say. Makes me squirm whenever I think of it. And I'm a guy.

Double Dildo Dilemma (now that's 3D for ya)

It has come to our attention that while the standard dildo is quite functional in stimulating the female vagina to high levels of arousal and often leading to orgasms given the correct conditions, the double dildo is frequently misunderstood and misused. Of course the standard dildo is very simple to operate. Lube is applied and then the device is rubbed over the clitoral area and stroked into the vagina to maximize the woman's pleasure.

There are many more variables involved with the double dildo making it exceptionally tricky to operate expertly. With multiple vaginae there will be variances in lubrication, vagina size, strength of contractions, depth of canal, angle of entry, etc. These differences will all affect the performance of the double dildo. Unfortunately, if these issues are not addressed properly, we may end up with the unacceptable result of the dildo being essentially locked in one woman's vagina while sliding freely in and out of her partner.

The core of the problem comes down to the difference between static and sliding friction. The "stuck" end of the dildo must overcome the higher static friction while the moving end easily glides given its lower sliding friction. And that's all there is to it, it is the simple laws of physics!

One may rectify the issue by having one partner firmly hold the dildo with their hand. Another option is to choose a rigid dildo as opposed to the flexible variety. According to a double blind study 99.98 percent of women preferred the rigid dildo over the flexible dong. Go figure.

This article is sponsored by the United States Department Investigating Lubricant Dynamics Oversight (USDILDO). "Where there's wetness near, we dare appear without fear."